Hanging On
by descendtomadness
Summary: Three months ago Bella's brother committed suicide changing her life forever. Renee sends Bella to Forks blaming her and sending Bella into a spiraling downward from sanity. Bella doesn't think anyone can help her cope until an incident introduces the one person that makes her want to keep hanging on. Please R&R I promise it will get better! Normal Pairings. Cussing and Lemons!
1. When I'm Gone

**Full Summary: Three months ago Bella's brother committed suicide, changing her life forever. Her mother sends her to Forks blaming Bella for everything and wanting nothing more to do with her. Bella is hurting and as each day goes by her pain grows until a particular incident brings her to meet the only person that keeps her hanging on.**

**Please Enjoy and Tell me What you think **

**Preface**

When I woke up that Tuesday morning I didn't expect to see the whole Phoenix police crew in my living room. I didn't expect to see my mother screaming and attacking me when I came down the stairs, accusing me that it was all my fault. I didn't expect to find out my older brother jumped off a bridge and drowned to death late last night. I sat in the closes seat I could find before I collapsed to the ground, everything happened slowly as I stared at the Sheriff while he explained something to my mother. I saw his lips moving but I couldn't hear anything. Everything just stopped. After the police calmed my mother down and left I was still sitting in the living room, staring at nothing while my mind wandered back to last night.

"_Bella, Bella wake up!" I groaned as my brother shook my side furiously pulling me from one of the best sleeps I had in a while. _

"_Phillip Joseph there had better be a damn good excuse for why you're waking me up at….2 a.m!" I snapped glaring at him even though he couldn't see me through the darkness. _

"_Bella could you shut up and just listen to me? Great. Anyways I just wanted to tell you that I'm using your car, I um…I gotta go do a few things." He stammered slightly and the anger that I felt diminished to concern._

"_Hey are you okay?" I asked reaching out and touching his shoulder. Under my hand I could feel him shaking and as my eyes adjusted I saw that he had been crying. "Are you still upset about what mom said? I'm sure she didn't mean it you know how she gets when…" I saw a look in his eyes that made me stop._

"_Bella I love you ok."_

"_I love you too." I said immediately trying to read the look in his eyes. I wondered idly what was wrong with him, ever since he emerged from mom's office a couple of weeks ago he had become distant, started disappearing more night and coming home in the late afternoon only to go to bed and leave again later at night._

"_Phil don't…don't do anything stupid." I mumbled giving his shoulder a tight squeeze. He chuckled and turned on the light on my stand. I squinted until my eyes adjusted and I finally took in my brother's appearance. His face was pale, his eye bloodshot, his hair was ruffled, and he had on a pair of ragged sweats and an oversized sweatshirt. He looked different, a little older and tired like he hadn't been sleeping at all._

"_I'll see you later okay Belly Jelly." He ruffled my hair as I protested to the old nickname. Phil laughed and the strange emotion in his eyes disappeared for only a second. We stayed silent for a minute before he kissed my cheek and left closing the door behind him with a click. I sat there for a second wondering if I should run after him but I figured he probably just needed some alone time and I didn't want to intrude, whatever mom said to him must of really of gotten to him. Yawning I reach for to turn off the light pausing when I saw his favorite Rasta bracelet sitting next to it. _

_I rushed to my window and threw it open just in time to see my truck peeling out of the driveway and disappearing down the road. Feeling worried and tired I crawled back into bed and prayed that Phil would be safe._

"Oh god…" I sobbed into my hands. I could have stopped him, I could have kept him from going that night, and I could have kept him safe. I could have changed his mind. Sobs wracked through my body as everything finally exploded inside of me, my brother was dead and gone. Every memory flashed through my mind cutting deeper into my heart. He would never see me graduate, never be there to celebrate his birthday, or the day we both leave this shithole of a town.

"Quit your blubbering." I gasped and sat back looking across the room and into the hallway where my mother stood her blue eyes emotionless.

"This is your fault Isabella. If he had just of listened to me instead of running off and confiding in you maybe he would still be alive, maybe he would still be here. I'm going to call your father I think it would be best if you left with him after the funeral." She spoke quietly and heartlessly, each one of her words cutting into me like a rusting blade.

"How could you say that? I loved Phil!" I all but shrieked at her my emotions running wild. She just watched me and shook her head before walking away. I just sat there clenching my fist, trying so hard not to run to her, breathing away each murderous thought that clouded my mind. I wanted to scream I wanted to just disappear somewhere and pretend none of this was happening. I wanted every ounce of pain to cease. I wanted my brother.

**~o~O~o~O**

**Alright guys please leave your thoughts behind and tell me whatchya think! I can't wait for the story to unfold I do promise it will get better!. **


	2. I'm So Sick

**Hello Everyone **** Thanks to you all for reading and I hope you enjoy the First Full Chapter of Hanging On. May I present to you Chapter One of Hanging on; I'm So Sick. **

Bella

"_Do you know if your brother was suicidal?" Officer Beckly asked me. _

_I wiped away the few tears that escaped during her small visit and shrugged. Apparently they had found out Phil was high off of cocaine during the time period of his death and were trying to rule out the possibility of homicide to just suicide._

"_I don't think so I mean he would have no reason to be." I sighed. The thought of Phil wanting to kill himself made me shiver; he never would have done something like that._

"_Did you notice any strange behavior from him before the incident?" She pushed another one of her questions on me._

"_Um he…uh he started leaving more at night and not showing up until late afternoon. I hardly ever saw him enough until…Oh!" I squealed forgetting all about the last night I saw my brother. My hand instinctively went to the bracelet tied tightly around my wrist. Guilt filled by gut and tears flooded my eyes it had only been a week since Phil's passing and I was forgetting things._

"_Isabella it's alright, just take your time. I've got all day." Officer Beckly soothed. I met her soft blue eyes and nodded trying so hard not to breakdown._

_After a few seconds I took a couple deep breaths before I told her the whole story. Once we were finished she hugged me tightly and left saying that she needed to give the sheriff direct information and that she would be back later to question my mother who had to go pick up Phil's father from the airport. I waited for the officer to leave before the tears that I held inside finally broke through the surface. _

"Bella get up."

"Phil?" I whimpered. I heard some mumbling and felt someone rip the warm duvet from my body, throwing my emotions straight into overdrive.

"What the fuck!" I shrieked and meant the agitated eyes of my mother.

"I've been calling you for 20 minutes. Your brother's funeral is in an hour and I thought maybe you would want to go to it rather than sleep the day away." She gave me the same cold stare before stomping out of my room.

"Bitch!" I gasp and fall back into my bed. I couldn't understand what had changed between mom and me. Our relationship wasn't exactly picture perfect but never once did she ever show me the emotions that she had been portraying for the past two weeks. Her coldness and lack of sympathy fueled more anger than sadness. Families were supposed to come together at a time like this, they weren't supposed to blame and point fingers. With a growl I grab the outfit I picked out for today and went to the bathroom slamming the door and locking it behind me. I sat my clothes on the counter and grabbed a towel from the closet, my movements were all robotic while my thoughts jumped around. Once the water was heated I jumped inside and let the heat smooth out the pressure in my muscles. I washed my hair with my favorite Moroccan coconut shampoo and washed up with matching body wash. As I showered my thoughts began to drift to the funeral. A lot of Phil's friends were going to be showing today, as well as his father. Derrick Platt and my father Charlie Swan were two very different characters. Derrick was always trying to give people the impression that he was a very rich man but in reality he spent most of his money at strip clubs and on child support, while Charlie was quiet man who didn't really care much for how people looked at him which might of had something to do with being the police chief of Forks. Renee was the complete opposite of both she used to be erratic and spontaneous but after me I guess that dwindled down and she started working for the Church downtown and became really freaking….holy?

I snorted to myself and turned off the water. "More like Carrie's mother." I dried myself quickly and changed into my outfit. I spritzed my hair with some wave moisturizer and let it go.

"Isabella five minutes!" I groaned and looked at my reflection. There stood a girl with skin slightly kissed by the sun, with deep purple bags under dark brown eyes. To me she looked angry, her eyes screaming with so much intensity I almost forgot I really was looking at myself. With a sigh and one last look at the stranger in the mirror I made my way downstairs being careful not to trip since I was wearing a skirt.

"Ah Bella how are you dear?" I looked up and meant Derrick's eyes. I let out a small gasp, traitorous tears burning in my eyes. I never paid much attention to how much Derrick and Phil looked alike but now I was seeing it and it was hitting me straight in the heart.

"I'm..I…I could be better." I stammered out awkwardly. He nodded in his eyes I saw sadness that I had never seen but understood so much.

"Well let's get going now." Renee snapped. I looked at her sharply wondering how someone could be such a fucking bitch on their own child's funeral.

"Why don't you-"Derrick cut me off by touching my arm surprising me. I snuck a look at him and saw the slight shake of his head. I sigh and shifted my eyes from him and my mother, brushing past her and out the door to the small neon out front. My 1997 Honda accord was sitting beside it but every time I looked at it dread would fill me. Another small reason why Phil's death was my fault, check. I climbed in the back of the car buckling my seatbelt and pulling out my cellphone. I hit the power and watched as the picture of Phil and I from Christmas two years ago lit up. I smiled softly and let my finger gently stoke the screen. That year for Christmas I got Phil Halo 4 since he had been wanting it for so long when he opened it he cradled it like a baby and planted a big kiss right on it before mauling me with bear hugs. I smiled slightly at the memory before shutting off my phone and staring out the window at the passing traffic.

~o~O~o~O~

I watched as they lowered Phil down into the dirt, through the ceremony I had been fine but seeing this. Seeing as they lowered him down sixth feet under the earth tore me apart. Every memory of my brother flashed before my eyes and suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was my fault that Phil was dead if I had just stopped him that night. A sob escaped me and I felt Derrick's arms close around me in a tight hug. He shushed me softly telling me it was okay to cry, that Phil was in a better place and one day I would see him again.

"It's all my fault." I whimpered trying to catch my breath in wheezing gasps. He shook his head softly and kissed my cheek. In that moment I was thankful for Derrick, but even his comfort wasn't enough to make the guilt that flooded me lessen.

The funeral soon ended and Renee, Derrick, and I were back on the road. The car ride was silent and I stared out my window jumping when I heard my mother's cellphone go off.

"Hello?" She talked quietly into the phone. I heard the muted voice of a man on the other end and sighed, it was probably Charlie calling her to confirm that I could live with him.

"She's in the back do you want to talk to her?" I waited a second and Derrick handed me the phone.

"Hello?" My voice came out raspy.

"Bella are you okay kid?" Charlie sounded awkward but the emotion laced in his voice told me he was genuinely concerned.

"I could be better." I replied emotionlessly. He was probably the fifteenth person to ask me that today and for some reason the three words 'are you okay' began to dig a small hole in my chest.

"I'm sorry Bella, Phil he was a good kid always looked out for you kept you safe when I…I couldn't." Charlie spoke quietly and I could tell he was struggling to say something that wouldn't upset me.

"Dad it's okay." I mumbled into the small silver phone. I heard him sigh and heard the sound of some shifting.

"So I got your mom's call sorry I didn't respond quickly I was on a boating trip with Harry Clearwater. I'll be expecting you sometime soon I guess whenever your mom gets the ticket."

"Okay dad."

"Alright. I love you Bella."

"Love you too dad." I hung up the phone and handed it back to Derrick. Mom turned down on our road and started mumbling to herself.

I rolled my eyes and pulled my phone out of my pocket, pressing the power so I could stare at the picture of my brother and I. My eyes instinctively burned but I held them back there was no use in tears, they didn't make me feel better, in truth I actually felt worse.

"Isabella we're home." Mom called from the front seat. I nodded and exited the car making my way to the house where I used my key to get inside. I made it halfway up the stairs when my mother stopped me.

"Isabella I have the ticket already." I froze and slowly turned around to look at her.

"Are you being serious right now mom?" The words came out in a jumble and I took a step forward. She was standing in the hallway with her arms crossed giving me a full on glare now.

"I'm absolutely serious right now I'm to upset to even have you close to me. Phillip was a good innocent boy that had everything go right for him." She started but I cut her off.

"What do you even mean? I DIDN"T KILL PHIL!" I screeched taking the last few steps towards her so we were only standing a few inches apart.

"If he would of just listened to me the day he came into my office instead of running to you he would have been okay he could of gotten over his his….feelings and could still be alive!" Her eyes were flaring and it only pissed me off more.

"What are you even talking about?! Phil hardly talked to me the day you and him talked if anything whatever you said drove him to kill himself." My words came out harsh and I felt possessed. "That's it isn't mom your so fucking mad at me because you don't want to face the truth. Because whatever you and Phil talked about that day is what drove him to the point of no return, you're the reason why my brother is fucking dead because you did something that made him feel the way he did. It's your fucking fault Phil isn't here and you just can't bring yourself to realize that you're a cold-hearted bitch!" I saw Derrick rush into the hall and I diverted my eyes for just a second only to feel the hot flash of pain across my face.

I gasped as I knocked into the wall by the force and collapsed to the ground touching my cheek. I fiddled with my jaw a little and looked up. Renee was staring at her hand and shook it out a little before returning her icy gaze to me.

"You leave first thing tomorrow." Her voice was ruff and I could hear the distinctness of tears behind it.

Derrick rushed over to me and helped lift me up off the floor asking me if I was alright. I shook his hands off of me and stood tall trying not to let any emotions get the best of me.

"I hope you're happy with yourself because now you don't have either one of your children because of what you did." The words were cold and I turned around retreating to my bedroom. I grabbed my suitcase and packed up all my clothes. I grabbed my laptop and the essentials from the bathroom before making my way down the hall to the last room on the corner. With a deep breath I stepped inside and surveyed the empty room. My brother's bed was unmade with clothes strewn all over the floor. He had posters of his favorite bands hanging all over the walls and the distinct smell of weed was faint. I shook my head and walked to his desk. On top lied a box with a secret way to unlock, Phil told me if anything ever happened to him that inside that box are things he wanted to give to me. I never got to see the items but he did trust me to enough to show me how to open it.

I grabbed the box and went to six down on the bed. I pulled the latch and pushed it to the side remembering the first time he showed me how to open it. I smiled softly and opened the lid; it revealed a black journal, a couple of pictures, and a small glass bowl with purple swirls. I chuckled and shook my head only Phil would put that inside. I let these last few moments calm my nerves and for a while everything felt ok for the first time in weeks.

"Phil, I know you wouldn't have wanted things like this to end between mom and I. I also know that you must have had some reason for why…why you would want to end your life and I'm just so sorry I couldn't stop you. I'm so sorry you felt that was the answer, I failed you as a sister I could of done better and I'm just….I'm sorry." I whispered into the air. There was no answer no feeling that he had heard me. I didn't know what I was expecting but disappointment flooded me and I walked to his bed collapsing into the pillows and the smell of my brother's cologne.

~o~o~o~o

**Alright I know that was...long haha but it will all be worth it. Can't wait to write the next chapter. Leave me with your thoughts **


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